How much is too much?

How much is too much?

Have you ever had something on your mind, and you knew that if you talked about it, dealt with it then at the very least the weight of it wouldn’t be wearing you down. And despite the reaction you may get, at least it’s not sitting there eating away at you?

Usually when something is bothering me I would just deal with it. Only this time I feel torn. How much do I say, how little do I leave out? And for once I’m so concerned about the reaction that I’m scared to even open my mouth, yet I’m tired of the pains in my chest from anxiety eating at me. I’m trying to be a good Mommy and person, but this is taking its toll.

So I do it, I lay it on the line. Share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It’s accepted and that makes me feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe again.

So a week later, why am I back here again? This raises the question, do I bring it up again? How can I bring it up without sounding like a broken record? Is it me that makes these things seem unimportant, or am I just not worth the effort of fixing things? Should I be offended it only lasted a week or should I chalk it up to stupidity and laziness? It’s hard not to take it personally.

I feel torn. In one direction, it tears apart lives, in another direction it’s just me that’s hurting inside, and a third could warrant either the first direction, or it could be positive. But it was positive last week. Should I put it in my calendar that every week I should expect to be disappointed the same way? My calendar is full enough.

For now, I stay quiet. It hurts though. And I know the feelings are apparent, yet there it is again and again. Maybe I’m not worth it? Or maybe he should realize I’m worth WAY more than it. I don’t want a lot, but everyone has a breaking point. How much is too much, now is the question for me and how much I can take, and how much is too much for chances, choices, and being hurt?

It feels like too much.