Ok let me explain...I'm sitting at home, sick as usual, listening to James Morrison. I'm trying to destress. I tried cleaning but turns out moving around that much isn't good for me right now and I got dizzy. So instead I'm sitting here taking deep breaths (coughing because they hurt), listening to James tell it like it is, and talking...err..writing to you.
I'm trying to prioritize right now. Somewhere between getting diagnosed with Wegeners and now, I've forgotten that some thing just don't matter, and other things should matter more. Starting most importantly with number one....Me. Selfish as that may sound coming from a single mother, and don't get me wrong, my son is my absolute pride and joy, and often the reason I'm even fighting at all most times, but at the end of the day he needs me too. So I need to make sure I'm at my best. And right now I am not.
I found it really easy to blame the mess that is my life on being sick, and although it hasn't helped, my mom would slap me if she saw how I let things get. Everytime I feel that cold rush I know it's her trying to smack me now. Which is another problem in itself, I really miss her, but that's not what this is about...today.
My whole life I have taken care of myself, and her. Yes she did take care of me by doing the best she could to put a roof over our heads etc. but the care taking I am talking about is emotional, and sometimes physical. And it could have been that upbringing or just how the stars are aligned that makes me this way but I put too much emphasis on other people; how they think (of me), feel (about me), what they could do (to me), do you see the pattern. I worry. ALL THE TIME. I can't stand hurting people, but I know I have and I'm sure it's not the last time, but it's usually not because I wanted to. I don't have all the answers and don't really want to try right now so I chalk it up to insecurities and just overthinking.
In this time of worrying and adding an incurable disease I do all the wrong things, and oddly enough they're usually quite familiar to other situations in my life. Usually just the people and places have changed. I have not. And I feel like I'm sinking into the same old patterns again. So now I've tried saying no a little more, giving myself a little more time to do things that I want to do and not just the boring stuff or favors. I love helping people and making people happy with me, but even some of them have really let me down since I've been sick.
This whole thing is making me realize again, because for some reason I keep needing reminders, that I need to start putting my focus on what really matters, and taking care of my precious gift who will be TWO this weekend. I can't even believe it. His face, his smile, that's what matters. Last night I crawled in bed with him, and he snored away and I just stared at him. That's when the overwhelming feeling to protect him and make sure he never wants for anything, especially love or attention, really sunk in.
I've been thinking about it all morning. Another time I'll try to just regroup and calm down. Slow down in fact. I'm sick, that's undeniable and not going away I know that. I have yet to truly accept it but I will, what I won't accept is that I have to feel weak mentally or emotionally. I am scarred, broken and have lived hundreds of lifetimes in my 29 years, and that has not weakened me, it's just made me hard, and for some people they don't like it. Many people mistake me for a scared, naive and one of those people who is weak, that's just not true. I have just decided to take what I have experienced inwards (yes Doctor Freud I know that's not the answer) but I'm starting to speak up a little more because I have someone else who needs protecting and what kind of role model would I be looking weak.
Being sick doesn't mean that life is over, it just feels that way sometimes. I refuse to let it take me down even though there are days as of late I have and more to come I'm sure. However, I'm going to keep doing what I can to get stronger and what I can't do physically anymore I will do extra emotionally and mentally. You can't tell people what to do or think or feel, and sometimes they will think the worst whether you deserve it or not, but that's their decision to spend their energy on that. And being sick doesn't make me immune to being there for my friends who truly need me. So I'm sick, I still have ears and a heart. And because of all this I've just made more room and time for the people who deserve it, the same ones who made time and make time for me while I've been going through this.
So as James Morrison sang to me, Thank you, I'm a lucky (wo)man, I didn't know what life was, now I understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment