Hey everyone. For those of you just tuning in, I have Wegeners GN and Chronic Kidney Disease and as of recently my immune system crashed and once again I'm a sitting duck.
Today I don't have much to really say pertaining to being sick. Nothing "crazy" has happened since a few days ago when I shared my embarrassing hairy story. All I can say today it that my fingers were itching to type and this is where I ended up. Sometimes typing here, sharing, even if no one reads it, makes me feel like I vented.
I'm bored. I am supposed to be taking it easy and resting which I am, but I can only watch so much TV. I've been doing other little things like cleaning and laundry as I can but cabin fever sets in. I find myself at Chapters a lot, just looking at books, reading them there is much cheaper. :) I am still exhausted and my stomach is incredibly argumentative these days and my blood results have shown me nothing but bad news, but I'm trying not to focus on a number and more on how I feel. Although I haven't been feeling great.
I'm not sure if it's the meds or what but I have been having some crazy dreams ever since I started on them. My mom was in my dream last night. She kept getting mad at me for moving some boxes, which oddly enough the other day I unpacked my basement finally because I needed something to do and it was driving me crazy. Then that night I felt like crap from most likely overdoing it, and then last night dreamt she was mad at me for it. Strange. Whenever I dream about her I feel like I really got to see her. I'm not sure if it's good or bad because in the dreams we are ALWAYS fighting which in real life we rarely did, but when I wake up I'm happy just to have seen her and heard her voice.
October is my least favorite time of the year, and it is approaching quickly. It'll be 5 years since my mom died and this year that falls on Thanksgiving day as it did 5 years ago when it happened. And with everything that's been going on since June, I am trying really hard to focus on what I really am thankful for. I'm still alive, I have the cutest, smartest and funniest little boy any Mom could ever hope for, and I have great friends and family that have really been there for me even if they don't realize it.
I'm really bad for writing people back when they message me about being sick and well wishes, and if you're reading this, don't take it personally, I just don't want to sound whiney when I say usually I'm pissy about the whole thing and don't want to seem ungrateful for your well wishes because I truly appreciate them. Just running out of ways to say that every minute is different in my life right now and things have been happening out of control and though I am happy to be here I am frustrated that I can't walk up a flight of stairs without being super tired, or run around after my son at the park because I may get sick. I have to wash him down and change his clothes after daycare, the park, a public place etc. And my own most times. It's exhausting in itself. I know there are many many people who have it worse than me, I do get that, and I consider that often. However some days I am just too tired to accept that my life doesn't suck a bunch right now.
I try to look for the reason this has all happened, and apart from the fact I was complaining all the time about feeling like I had too much to do, I can't find anything else. I have definitely enjoyed finally getting unpacked even if it took a few days, and my house is spotless because I can NOT get sick and will do anything to reduce risk of that, and I love having extra time with Hunter now but otherwise I wish I had the energy and ability to do more, just the simple things would be nice. I know I'm just complaining today. But even those of us who don't cry often, or that seem to really have a positive outlook can feel weak. Or sad. And I think it's ok and healthy to feel that. We are not robots. Although at this point I would like some robot parts that work better than what I have now.
If anyone reading this can offer me some insight, some light readings, anything uplifting to go to on nights and times like this I would really appreciate it. This has affected me in so many ways, personally, financially and work wise, and emotionally, I could really just use some outside thoughts on how I am going to live the rest of my life with all this.
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