Cliche's...In Sickness and in Health

I'm here to help you. Hopefully. This is not intended to upset anyone who has done or said the things you're about to read here. In fact it's just the opposite. It's a way to laugh at how people are very similar in tough situations. Because everything is funnier when it's true. So sit back, close your Facebook browser and enjoy.

It has been brought to my attention today and most every other day recently, that in times of sadness, pain and despair, we as humans feel the need to console and comfort people. Awesome. Way to be a good person! HOWEVER....I am here today to tell you, the cliche's aren't doing it for us. I have used them, you have most likely used them, but it needs to stop. And don't fret my lovelies, I have, through my own sadness, sickness and despair, figured out some small solutions.

Before we get to the general cliche's for all types of situations I will specifically speak from my own experiences first. Because we don't know anyone better then we know ourselves. As many of you know that in June I was diagnosed with Wegener's and Chronic Kidney disease and in August I had another disastrous set back and ended up hospitalized again and sent home on oxygen! Anyways, now that we are caught up, to say this ordeal has been hard is an understatement. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. My home life, work life and mental state have been challenged to no end and I struggle daily, even though now I am back in regular clothes and wearing some make up again, it's still not easy. This is where people feel sad and try to console me. And I appreciate it I do, but when you tell someone "you're looking great, you must be back to normal", or when I do look tired again "it's ok if you need to go home early, you look tired". First of all, looking "normal" means nothing to kidney disease or Wegener's. It just means today, or at that moment, I am winning. And I don't need to be told it's ok to go home early, or have a nap etc. I know that. I am a big girl. But the biggest thing is that I am an adult, and I will and can make my own decisions and I appreciate the understanding but I don't want to be seen for being sick, I just want to be seen as me; an adult capable of making her own choices and if I need help I will ask I promise....maybe lol.

Today my doctor is preparing my forms for me to Return to Work!!! Hooray. It will be gradual to ensure my immune system and everything can handle it but nonetheless I am going. I am scared out of my mind. I don't know how people will treat me now. They were left short handed because of me, and although it wasn't my intention to do so, I fear they will be angry or cold. And I wouldn't blame them. Then there's the constant barrage of questions I am anticipating on "what happened" and of course "how are you feeling/are you okay"? I understand this will happen so I am trying to figure out how to put "I've had my entire summer taken from me, emotional and mental state put to the ultimate and often failed test, and had my finances strained to the point of more stress than I wished to have, but hey my immune system came back, thanks for asking" into something less pathetic and more condensed. People don't need to know the fine details, and hey if they want to I can send them the link to my blog haha. But honestly, I am freaking out. I want to go back, help out and feel useful again. And hopefully they don't hate me.

So now the cliche's you've been waiting for. In break ups, we tend to offer our friends these gems "You're better off without him/her", "You'll have no trouble meeting anyone" and of course the most common "Are you okay"? Here's why these are wrong. First off, no one in a break up, even the breaker of the break up, is sad. Unless they have cobwebs where their heart should be, they are hurting too and no, they are not okay. Telling someone they are better off without someone, no matter how true is just completely wrong. You weren't there every day with the other person, and even if it is extremely accurate, they don't need to be reminded of how bad things may have been by telling them they are better off. And of course, telling them they will have no problem meeting someone, SIGH, I get you're trying to compliment them, but it's either too soon to hear this or just wrong. There's better ways and I'm here to tell you what those are. Instead of asking how someone is, you just say "Hi, did you see that football game/TV Show/whatever they like of anything last night?" This let's them know you are thinking of them and that you are there because you're talking to them. And if there response is "I did and all it did was remind me of him etc etc." then you listen. But if it is "Ya I did and it was awesome" then you're still listening and just as effective. But it's on their call. And instead of the other two cliche's I listed; a compliment on how pretty they look, or how much you love something about them gives them confidence without bringing up anything specific and possibly sending their mind back to their troubles. From my experience, knowing people are there without being constantly reminded of our troubles is just as, if not more so, helpful then you trying to come up with the "right thing" to say. There is no right thing.

In death, this is very hard to talk about. And even harder to try and console someone on. Because death is not like sickness or break ups. It never goes away, it can't have a second chance. It's final. And most times it happens before anyone is ready. This is where I hope I can be of the most assistance in "consoling etiquette" because I know through losing my mom at 24, I got to a point where I actually got angry at things people said, and although I knew they were trying to help, I just couldn't hear it anymore. They didn't know what I was feeling, and even if they did, their words were as empty as my heart was. Obviously I have been able to "cheer up" (DON'T EVER SAY THAT!) in the last almost 5 years since I lost her, but it's still very hard.  There are lots of cliche's in this category because as I said it lasts forever. And sadness is not dedicated to a time frame with death. I find myself missing my mom and talking about it often, especially when struggling with my own troubles when I feel her absence most.

When someone you know first loses someone, depending on the circumstances of how they pass, you may say something like "at least they are happier/in a better place/not hurting anymore etc." True, this may be the case, but, to the person missing them, they'd rather them be here. So just saying "I'm here for you if you need to cry/I love you/let me know if you need anything" is a better choice and here's why, because it let's them know you are there, willing to help THEM get through the loss and not reminding them that someone else isn't here anymore. They already know they might be better off, or happier etc.

As time goes by and someone brings up their feelings of sadness and grief over a lost one, the last thing you say, and please don't feel bad if you've said this to me, most people have; "They are always with you". That might be the case, and on a day when I am happy and thinking of her, that thought amuses and comforts me. I talk to her and laugh, and feel happy knowing my guardian angel is with me. BUT, when I'm sad about her not being here, and others who have lost people I know have said the same, it's the WORST time to say they are always with us. We don't want them always "there", we want them right here. In the flesh. And I know that's hard to understand, especially if you've had the blessing of never losing anyone, but I know for me personally, when I miss her the most it's usually because I NEED her the most at that time too. And the reality is she is never coming back, and saying she's there, it's almost like making me feel like the first day I found out she died, I can't comprehend it. And it starts all over again. I would rather when I am babbling about missing my mommy, that people just say it sucks, and they wish she was here too. Or just say you're here even though it's not the same.

Now don't be sad, or down. Be glad you know that you, feeling at a loss for words for your loved ones in hard times is totally OKAY! It's as awkward for you to say what you think you should, as it is for us to pretend we appreciate it, HA HA HA. Laugh. It's okay to laugh. In life, we get one chance to live it, but every day, every second in fact we get a chance to live it well. Regardless of the bad things that happen to us there are so many ways and chances to improve it, and we are not alone. Not alone in our losses, diseases and hardships. I met some great people just sharing my experiences here, and some of my acquaintances have become great friends through it. Sometimes we as the injured and suffering, have to reach out too. People are here for us, they tell us that and true people mean that. But they can only help if we meet them halfway. I am one stubborn S.O.B, anyone who knows me would attest to that, but even I recently have had to reach out to people for different reasons, and although some have been slightly disappointing, most of them have exceeded my hopeful expectations.

I hope for anyone reading, especially if you are lost or sad, that you find something here. I can't tell anyone enough that even in my darkest hours, I've crawled out. And though it may appear that I have had it easy, I assure you I have not. Not saying that if I can keep going you can too, I know that's another cliche I absolute despise. What I am saying is that, everyone has a strength inside them to move forward, and sometimes it just takes knowing someone is there to find that. Pick something that does make you happy and focus on making that more common in your mind than the bad things. When I am really lost and confused I think of my son, how I want him to be proud of me when he is older, and even days when I don't want to get out of bed, that usually at least gets me out of my pajamas for the day. Nothing happens over night, but it can happen. And I'm here for you, whoever you are.

R.W. <3