Do you ever have those moments where you are just angry for no apparent reason? And you and most likely anyone who has the joy of being on your radar while it's happening, wish you could just "snap out of it"? I had one of those moments today. I am still lingering on it now but it's definitely improving.
The meds are generally the main cause of these little (ya little) episodes, on top of being just generally upset that I can't just get better and be back to "normal". Then we can add in my wonderful 2 year old resisting nap time today which I thoroughly needed. It's not just for his own well being, sometimes it's for my sanity.
So after he convinced me that nap time was not happening today, despite tears and begging, I made us a snack and glared at him as he tried to look cute knowing Mommy was less than impressed. I just couldn't snap out of my funk and sitting there looking at him completely unaware of what emotions really are, and what a bad mood is I realized I was going to get zero sympathy from him. I sat on the couch for a few minutes sulking while he played, then he came back with toys and wanted me to play. His smile did something to me, it didn't make my bad mood or exhaustion disappear, but it did help me cheer up enough to get on the floor and play with him. It's not too much to ask for, he didn't want me to be sick, he didn't ask for this. And all those things running through my head made me try a little harder to snap out of it.
Someone once told me about a friend of theirs who was sick, and she used being sick as an excuse for everything; being in a bad mood, not staying in touch, being rude etc. We talked about how being sick is an explanation, not an excuse. When you know what's wrong, that's an explanation of what is happening and what can happen to that person, it is not an excuse for that person to use so they can act out or have unreal expectations. Although most sick people do need some special care now and then, and you may have to be gentle with them to some respect, it doesn't mean that life stops, or that everyone should act as though it does just for them.
I don't have expectations that things should be different. I am more moody, and I get unhappy at times more than I used to but I know that these things happen so when they do I try and distance myself from people I care about because in that same hand I know exactly how mean I can get. For me space is my healing power. Being alone. And then when I'm ready I will talk, and that helps too but in that order. There are times where I want to do things now like before, even just going out for a beer with friends, that I can't do now, one because I can't drink and two because most public places are full of germs and I am still healing from my last hospital stay. Those simple things sometimes get me down, I feel disassociated with the world sometimes, but I know one day I will have a handle on these diseases and I will be able to enjoy life. I do enjoy it now, just in moderation and I learn as I go.
Some days I feel great, I want to go back to work and feel like a human again. Then I wake up (and mornings hate me) and feel all the aches, pains, nausea, and exhaustion because I can't sleep well still and realize how long this road ahead is. I still plan on getting back to work soon, and I run my own errands again, but these are baby steps. I guess the thing I learned most today in my funk is that it is going to take more than a day, and even on the best days there could be dark moments, but I have to be honest with myself when I am feeling certain things, and give myself the space and time I need so I don't stay mad for too long, and so I don't lash out at everyone around me.
Luckily for me, my son is amazing. He didn't miss a beat and the only tears he cried today were when we had to leave Chapters because he wasn't done playing. So I think I'm doing ok. I'll play with trains and blocks and stop thinking about grown up stuff for a little while, that should definitely help me snap out of anything. Then we bake cookies :)
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