Saturday, October 6, 2012
Gobble gobble, thank you.
I'd trade all my tomorrow's for one single yesterday...Janis Joplin. Mom's favorite. Today it's turned up on my playlist as I think about her. 5 years on Monday since she left this earth, not a day goes by that I don't miss you. XO
Thanksgiving, a time to truly give thanks. Sometimes it can be really hard to see the good things you have because well, simply put, life is hard. But when this time of year rolls around, and I'm surrounded and haunted with the memory of my Mothers passing, I try very hard to think of the positives.
This year has been a roller coaster, and not the new ones they have these days, nope. What I'm talking about are those old wooden, rickety and jolty ones that should be torn down. Yet, I am thankful.
I'm thankful that I got sick, because before being diagnosed, I just felt miserable all the time without understanding why and with no solution in sight. So although I would love to be healthy and without any disease, I am under good care and living much happier then I have in a long time.
I'm thankful for those who stuck by me. This last year has been full of changes, and although they haven't been easy, they have been for the best. And although I lost some friends along the way, I've discovered my true friends and that in itself is something I feel blessed about.
I'm thankful for the support I have gotten. Being sick has been hard on many aspects of my life, and I am so grateful for all the support from financial to having homemade meals brought to my house, and people coming and cleaning my house while I was sitting here on oxygen! And for the talks, because I have been so emotional and I'm glad I didn't have to hold it in. For the help with my little man, Daddy totally rocks when Mommy gets sick and it's nice not having to worry about him because I know he's in good hands. And thanks to my friends for taking him to the Zoo and the park to give Daddy a little break! I appreciate all the time people took for me, the hospital visits, all of it.
I'm thankful for my son, he is truly the greatest gift anyone could ask for. He has taught me so many things and why life is so important. I've learned this year to take a step back and look and enjoy what is right here, and not plan so far ahead. Enjoy things as they happen and not dwell on things when they don't go right. Because trust me, often the things we think will happen don't. His smile, laugh and energy is inspiring and I'm enjoying being a kid myself.
I'm thankful for all the hard times. It doesn't mean I'm not sad at times, or angry etc. about things that have happened, I'm just thankful that I have so many positive things to pick me up when the bad ones happen.
I don't like using names on here, I don't mind sharing my stuff, but I don't want to bring anyone else into it. But without naming names I want to especially thank some people. My dayhome family, you are amazing to my little man and I, you've been a huge help since I've been sick and always. You're like my family and I'd be lost without you. To my little man and his Daddy, you have both been so great through all my ups and downs, and although the changes have not been easy I'm so thankful for you both in my life and lucky to have you. To my brother from another mother, I'd be lost without your eyebrow raises and smacks on the head that keep me in line even when I don't want to hear it. To my bff's, who coincidentally all start with K (weird!) THANK YOU! I would not have made it through this year without your shoulders and ears! To say I am blessed to have such amazing friends, including my east coast bff and other good friends, is an understatement. To my bf and his family, thank you for all the support and help you've given me this summer. You've helped keep me going. And to my daddy, I love you! Thanks for being there for me.
I am thankful my dad lives here now, seeing him often has been helpful especially being sick. Having him pop over for chats is unreal! I feel like a little girl getting excited to hang out with Daddy! It's been great.
I'm thankful I had my mom for as long as I did, even if I still don't think it's fair that she's gone.
I'm thankful for my little salon in my new house, it's been great being back behind the chair doing something I love.
I'm thankful that the NFL got the regular refs back, and that I can watch my team win right now.
Truly I am thankful for everyone in my life, whether you're here for now or forever or if you've come and gone. Life is full of changes and stress should be eliminated as much as possible. I'm learning to take things hour by hour and enjoy it all. Slowly it's working. I hope everyone can find something to be thankful for this year.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday, October 1, 2012
The Last Goodbye
On this day, in 2007, I said goodbye to my mom for the last time. Only I had no idea. She hugged me, teared up because she was always a cry baby, and I told her we'd talk about Thanksgiving sometime that week and make a plan as it was the following weekend. We did talk once through voicemail tag. And that was it. It wasn't even a great last message, I was mad at her. Most people don't know that. We argued about her boyfriend and the fact I hated him and didn't want to spend my Thanksgiving pretending to be nice to him or his enabling family. She said she understood and she was still going to go and we would get together another time. She didn't go, and we never got together another time. I wish I would have went.
My mom died five years ago come October 8th, which was Thanksgiving in 2007 and now again in 2012. It's a shame that such a thoughtful holiday be so tainted by her loss, but it is what it is. I try to make the most of it, usually I just warn people to keep their distance for this week or so and pray no one tells me "she's always there" or "just remember the good times" and especially not "cheer up!". My mother's passing was too soon, as death usually is at any age because it's so permanent. She had a problem, and it got the best of her, but that's not the woman I choose to remember. There are times I get so angry about it, about the why and what if's, but after nearly 5 years, I'm slowly able to manage my emotions about it better so I can share the good things about her with my son.
My son and I were sitting in the living room like every other day just recently, he looked up at a picture of my Mom and smiled and pointed at it, then looked at me and said "Mum!" I didn't think we looked much alike, but when I kept trying to tell him it was Grandma he just kept staring and saying "Mum". He's never met her, not here anyways. I once went to an angel lady who told me I would one day have a baby, it would be a boy and that my mom was holding him. I like to believe that since I did have a baby, and it was a boy, that she's right. It gives me comfort.
Today my blog is dedicated to that woman, all the parts of her. And Mom although you may be here, these are the things I would love to tell you if you showed up today...
I love you. I missed you everyday. I'd give you a hug. I'd forgive you for all the things I'm still holding on to. I'd let go of the pain and regret I have for not trying to help you more. I would introduce you to the most beautiful little boy you've ever seen, and show you how smart he is and how when he looks at me in a certain way it reminds me of your baby pictures. I'd ask you for the recipes for all my favorite foods you used to make. I'd cry in your arms for hours without saying anything and feel like a little girl again because that's how I feel now, but I'm alone. I'd tell you how much you taught me that I've finally started to understand why it was so important. I'd let you clean my house because you always do it so good (and we laugh because you know it's true and you know you would). I'd tell you how sorry I was for you having to see the real me and all the mistakes I have made. You would forgive me because you loved me more than anyone ever could, which being a Mom now I totally understand. It's truly unconditional. I mostly would want you to know that every day since you left I have been hurting, hurting because I miss you, because I think I could have stopped you, because I wish we could talk about all the things we never resolved. And finally when we were done, I would tell you goodbye and pray that this time I could handle it. Right now I still can't. All in all, if I could see you one more time I would just want you to know that I need you, love you and hope one day I will get to spend my days with you again.
No one has ever come close to replacing her. No one could. And most people can't understand this pain because they haven't experienced a loss like this and I hope you never do or that you're really really old. Knowing that 5 years ago today, when I got into that car and drove away listening to music and talking to my friend that was with me, not thinking for a second it was the last day I'd hug you, feel your fuzzy hair in my face or smell your perfume just makes me wish I could yell at myself and tell her to turn around, spend another hour, another night, something! I feel like I'm still holding on to some weird notion that you'll come back. Even though, I know that's not true or possible.
I know this is depressing, you don't have to like it. I hate it myself. But if I don't vent here I won't vent at all so I need this. It's for me. If I can give anyone advice, especially people who have bad relationships with their parents, WORK IT OUT! I don't care why you're upset or if your parents won't accept your attempts to mend it, at least you will know you tried if anything were to happen. And for those who have parents that are addicts, you can't fix them. Remember that always. Their demons are their own, all you can do is make the most of your time with them especially when/if they have sober days. Try and mend the things that bother you, no matter how trivial they may seem. You never know when you see them last if it will be that real last time. And waking up on Thanksgiving to an officer with a sad face is not what I wish for anyone.
I take this day and the next two weeks to remember these two weeks 5 years ago because it was a big part in my life story. And if I try and just cheer up and think of only the good then I am not being honest with myself. I have to let myself feel it all, it helps me to remember what I have now and appreciate it so much more. I do have much to be thankful for this year, but I also want to take this time to remember my mom. So if you see me in the next two weeks and I'm not the most chipper you know why, and it's ok, and I'm ok. Time doesn't make you feel better with death, it just makes you a little stronger to handle it or better at hiding your real feelings.
I wish everyone a happy upcoming Thanksgiving. Please sit and take time with your family and friends and talk. Make good memories. Think and remember what you have to be thankful for even if it seems like nothing. You just never know what will happen.
My mom died five years ago come October 8th, which was Thanksgiving in 2007 and now again in 2012. It's a shame that such a thoughtful holiday be so tainted by her loss, but it is what it is. I try to make the most of it, usually I just warn people to keep their distance for this week or so and pray no one tells me "she's always there" or "just remember the good times" and especially not "cheer up!". My mother's passing was too soon, as death usually is at any age because it's so permanent. She had a problem, and it got the best of her, but that's not the woman I choose to remember. There are times I get so angry about it, about the why and what if's, but after nearly 5 years, I'm slowly able to manage my emotions about it better so I can share the good things about her with my son.
My son and I were sitting in the living room like every other day just recently, he looked up at a picture of my Mom and smiled and pointed at it, then looked at me and said "Mum!" I didn't think we looked much alike, but when I kept trying to tell him it was Grandma he just kept staring and saying "Mum". He's never met her, not here anyways. I once went to an angel lady who told me I would one day have a baby, it would be a boy and that my mom was holding him. I like to believe that since I did have a baby, and it was a boy, that she's right. It gives me comfort.
Today my blog is dedicated to that woman, all the parts of her. And Mom although you may be here, these are the things I would love to tell you if you showed up today...
I love you. I missed you everyday. I'd give you a hug. I'd forgive you for all the things I'm still holding on to. I'd let go of the pain and regret I have for not trying to help you more. I would introduce you to the most beautiful little boy you've ever seen, and show you how smart he is and how when he looks at me in a certain way it reminds me of your baby pictures. I'd ask you for the recipes for all my favorite foods you used to make. I'd cry in your arms for hours without saying anything and feel like a little girl again because that's how I feel now, but I'm alone. I'd tell you how much you taught me that I've finally started to understand why it was so important. I'd let you clean my house because you always do it so good (and we laugh because you know it's true and you know you would). I'd tell you how sorry I was for you having to see the real me and all the mistakes I have made. You would forgive me because you loved me more than anyone ever could, which being a Mom now I totally understand. It's truly unconditional. I mostly would want you to know that every day since you left I have been hurting, hurting because I miss you, because I think I could have stopped you, because I wish we could talk about all the things we never resolved. And finally when we were done, I would tell you goodbye and pray that this time I could handle it. Right now I still can't. All in all, if I could see you one more time I would just want you to know that I need you, love you and hope one day I will get to spend my days with you again.
No one has ever come close to replacing her. No one could. And most people can't understand this pain because they haven't experienced a loss like this and I hope you never do or that you're really really old. Knowing that 5 years ago today, when I got into that car and drove away listening to music and talking to my friend that was with me, not thinking for a second it was the last day I'd hug you, feel your fuzzy hair in my face or smell your perfume just makes me wish I could yell at myself and tell her to turn around, spend another hour, another night, something! I feel like I'm still holding on to some weird notion that you'll come back. Even though, I know that's not true or possible.
I know this is depressing, you don't have to like it. I hate it myself. But if I don't vent here I won't vent at all so I need this. It's for me. If I can give anyone advice, especially people who have bad relationships with their parents, WORK IT OUT! I don't care why you're upset or if your parents won't accept your attempts to mend it, at least you will know you tried if anything were to happen. And for those who have parents that are addicts, you can't fix them. Remember that always. Their demons are their own, all you can do is make the most of your time with them especially when/if they have sober days. Try and mend the things that bother you, no matter how trivial they may seem. You never know when you see them last if it will be that real last time. And waking up on Thanksgiving to an officer with a sad face is not what I wish for anyone.
I take this day and the next two weeks to remember these two weeks 5 years ago because it was a big part in my life story. And if I try and just cheer up and think of only the good then I am not being honest with myself. I have to let myself feel it all, it helps me to remember what I have now and appreciate it so much more. I do have much to be thankful for this year, but I also want to take this time to remember my mom. So if you see me in the next two weeks and I'm not the most chipper you know why, and it's ok, and I'm ok. Time doesn't make you feel better with death, it just makes you a little stronger to handle it or better at hiding your real feelings.
I wish everyone a happy upcoming Thanksgiving. Please sit and take time with your family and friends and talk. Make good memories. Think and remember what you have to be thankful for even if it seems like nothing. You just never know what will happen.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)