The Last Goodbye

On this day, in 2007, I said goodbye to my mom for the last time. Only I had no idea. She hugged me, teared up because she was always a cry baby, and I told her we'd talk about Thanksgiving sometime that week and make a plan as it was the following weekend. We did talk once through voicemail tag. And that was it. It wasn't even a great last message, I was mad at her. Most people don't know that. We argued about her boyfriend and the fact I hated him and didn't want to spend my Thanksgiving pretending to be nice to him or his enabling family. She said she understood and she was still going to go and we would get together another time. She didn't go, and we never got together another time. I wish I would have went.

My mom died five years ago come October 8th, which was Thanksgiving in 2007 and now again in 2012. It's a shame that such a thoughtful holiday be so tainted by her loss, but it is what it is. I try to make the most of it, usually I just warn people to keep their distance for this week or so and pray no one tells me "she's always there" or "just remember the good times" and especially not "cheer up!". My mother's passing was too soon, as death usually is at any age because it's so permanent. She had a problem, and it got the best of her, but that's not the woman I choose to remember. There are times I get so angry about it, about the why and what if's, but after nearly 5 years, I'm slowly able to manage my emotions about it better so I can share the good things about her with my son.

My son and I were sitting in the living room like every other day just recently, he looked up at a picture of my Mom and smiled and pointed at it, then looked at me and said "Mum!" I didn't think we looked much alike, but when I kept trying to tell him it was Grandma he just kept staring and saying "Mum". He's never met her, not here anyways. I once went to an angel lady who told me I would one day have a baby, it would be a boy and that my mom was holding him. I like to believe that since I did have a baby, and it was a boy, that she's right. It gives me comfort.

Today my blog is dedicated to that woman, all the parts of her. And Mom although you may be here, these are the things I would love to tell you if you showed up today...

I love you. I missed you everyday. I'd give you a hug. I'd forgive you for all the things I'm still holding on to. I'd let go of the pain and regret I have for not trying to help you more. I would introduce you to the most beautiful little boy you've ever seen, and show you how smart he is and how when he looks at me in a certain way it reminds me of your baby pictures. I'd ask you for the recipes for all my favorite foods you used to make. I'd cry in your arms for hours without saying anything and feel like a little girl again because that's how I feel now, but I'm alone. I'd tell you how much you taught me that I've finally started to understand why it was so important. I'd let you clean my house because you always do it so good (and we laugh because you know it's true and you know you would). I'd tell you how sorry I was for you having to see the real me and all the mistakes I have made. You would forgive me because you loved me more than anyone ever could, which being a Mom now I totally understand. It's truly unconditional. I mostly would want you to know that every day since you left I have been hurting, hurting because I miss you, because I think I could have stopped you, because I wish we could talk about all the things we never resolved. And finally when we were done, I would tell you goodbye and pray that this time I could handle it. Right now I still can't. All in all, if I could see you one more time I would just want you to know that I need you, love you and hope one day I will get to spend my days with you again.

No one has ever come close to replacing her. No one could. And most people can't understand this pain because they haven't experienced a loss like this and I hope you never do or that you're really really old. Knowing that 5 years ago today, when I got into that car and drove away listening to music and talking to my friend that was with me, not thinking for a second it was the last day I'd hug you, feel your fuzzy hair in my face or smell your perfume just makes me wish I could yell at myself and tell her to turn around, spend another hour, another night, something! I feel like I'm still holding on to some weird notion that you'll come back. Even though, I know that's not true or possible.

I know this is depressing, you don't have to like it. I hate it myself. But if I don't vent here I won't vent at all so I need this. It's for me. If I can give anyone advice, especially people who have bad relationships with their parents, WORK IT OUT! I don't care why you're upset or if your parents won't accept your attempts to mend it, at least you will know you tried if anything were to happen. And for those who have parents that are addicts, you can't fix them. Remember that always. Their demons are their own, all you can do is make the most of your time with them especially when/if they have sober days. Try and mend the things that bother you, no matter how trivial they may seem. You never know when you see them last if it will be that real last time. And waking up on Thanksgiving to an officer with a sad face is not what I wish for anyone.

I take this day and the next two weeks to remember these two weeks 5 years ago because it was a big part in my life story. And if I try and just cheer up and think of only the good then I am not being honest with myself. I have to let myself feel it all, it helps me to remember what I have now and appreciate it so much more. I do have much to be thankful for this year, but I also want to take this time to remember my mom. So if you see me in the next two weeks and I'm not the most chipper you know why, and it's ok, and I'm ok. Time doesn't make you feel better with death, it just makes you a little stronger to handle it or better at hiding your real feelings.

I wish everyone a happy upcoming Thanksgiving. Please sit and take time with your family and friends and talk. Make good memories. Think and remember what you have to be thankful for even if it seems like nothing. You just never know what will happen.