A new year is approaching...

Another year end approaches, and you are one of two people; the ones who are happy with this past year and hoping for another great year, OR, you hated everything about this past year, can count the good things on one hand and are ready and hopeful that a new year means something better. I am the second person. Not because the year was a horrible, and I can probably count my blessings on two hands instead of one, but the health troubles and big adjustments in the house and family have worked its toll and I am ready for more peace this upcoming year.

Instead of making a list of resolutions that I will probably fail after a week then feel even worse because I rarely complete anything, I have made a list of things to remind myself the things I'd like to work on.

I wonder how many of you out there are like me and just want to be a better person. Your life and what happens in it is not always under your control, but how you receive it and what you do with it, is. So make the most of it because you only have one chance at life. And it is short.

2013 Challenges: Note to Self

1. Be a Great Mom.
- Be more patient
- Get him to bed without you, and stay there. Even if it takes a little tough love
- Learn about tough love and how to control the sobbing when he's crying for Mommy to come in there
- Be more fun; think and come up with new things to do as often as possible to stimulate his senses
- Don't yell so much.  You're easily worked up and it comes out as yelling, this does nothing for either of us and just makes you both feel horrible.
- Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles. He's 2, and there will be days he wants nothing to do with you, so enjoy the fact he wants you to play 24/7.
- Do more learning activities, he's smart, and learns well so take advantage of that.

2. Be Healthy.
- You are sick, keep that in mind and listen to your body.
- If you are tired - take a break. Even 5 minutes and a few deep breaths can do wonders, you know this.
- Eat better. This doesn't just help you but teaches your son healthy eating habits.
- Exercise. Not to become some model in a magazine, but to make yourself feel better and have more energy.
- Try new recipies and keep those kidneys healthy.
- Get some rest
- Don't be so hard on yourself that you can't do what you used to. 1. You're older and 2. You have a disease that means sometimes you just have to slow down.

3. Get your Finances in order.
- You had a hard year, missed 3 months of pay and somehow in the last 3 years things got away from  you. You have a great job and can get this under control.
- Your son does not need every toy that he sees.
- Save money for a rainy day, or in your history, a few sick ones. You just never know.
- Start now!
- Make your lunches and bring your coffee, this will save you lots.

4. Be honest, even if it is hard.
- When you don't like something someone does or says to you, tell them. Otherwise don't expect it to
get better.

5. Take time to spend with family/friends
- It's hard to get time off and have money to travel, but every penny spent will be worth it.

6. Don't be so hard on yourself.
- You are one person, you can't do it all. Let people help you!!!!
- Don't be so disappointed in people who let you down, it's life, move on. The longer you stay stuck on it, the more time you're wasting being unhappy.
- Not everything is your fault, everyone has the ability to have a happy life and you cannot fix everything for everyone.
- You are one person, work and live that way. You cannot do everything at once. This is why you got sick I swear!

7. Get smarter.
- Take some courses, this will help you at work and with your finances. Win win.

8. Travel.
- Even if it's somewhere you've already been, go. This past year you spent either in a hospital or stuck at home, enjoy yourself.

9. Help others more.
- WHEN it is not because you feel you have to, but want to and have both the time and energy to do
so. Don't stress when you can't do everything for everyone all the time.
- People who truly care about you will understand when you just can't do things sometimes.

10. Be happy.
- Follow the above and enjoy. You deserve it. Everyone does.
- Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, so work for it and when it comes enjoy your work has paid off.

I hope that everyone can find some ways to improve their life if they feel they are not currently living the way they want. Good Luck to you all and remember to put yourself first, at the end of the day it's up to you to make things happen.
R.

The heavy silence...

I sit here tonight, a little heavy hearted. Sadness seems to flood in when I least expect or need it to. After being busy and not having a minute alone, I finally get a chance to take a hot bath, relax and just let everything settle out. That's when it hits me. The sad stuff. Listening to sad music seems to actually soothe me rather than make it worse. Not a tear has been shed but I'm not ruling that out, I am writing after all and that usually does the trick.
I have been back at work quite steadily and it's been going alright, just really tired and irritable still. I've decreased from 60mg of prednisone (the hell drug!) to 15mg and although it's quite a considerable difference, my mood has yet to realize that we're getting off this crapola. My skin has slowly started to adjust although the steroid induced acne is a mother....
Speaking of mother, I really missed mine this weekend. My son was sick, he cried and cried for hours straight (seriously where do they get the energy) until I finally took him to the hospital where they told me he had an ear infection.....at one point when he was crying I was holding him and rocking with him in my arms while he and I both cried and all I wanted was my mom to be sitting at the kitchen table drinking a Pepsi (her fave, she always had one with her) in her always matching pajamas and housecoat telling me that it's going to be okay. But instead the fact that wasn't the case just made me more sad.
It's really hard for me to vent about missing my mom because if I talked about it as much as I feel the pain from her being gone, I would probably drive everyone away. Most people look at me and they see someone who is "strong for going through what I went through" but it's an act. A facade if you will. I am not strong. I cry everytime I am alone. Everytime. In the car, the shower, when no one is home. When I am not home. All the time. This hasn't always been the case though. For awhile I had no tears left, I just had anger. Red. Hot. Anger. Now it's a pretty good mixture of both.
I don't say that I cry all the time for pity, I find after years of holding it in, it's quite freeing. I usually feel much better after. I'm not a robot! Yay! Lately I should be smiling ear to ear, my kidneys are functioning quite well and consitently. It's been 4 months without a hospital stay!!!!! But I am not smiling as much as I should. There's troubles with loved ones, not between us but in their lives that I ache for but can do nothing about. It is so hard to watch people you care about struggle and not be able to help them. Whether it's because there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them, or because they won't take it, and lastly and the worst one, you can't help them because they won't help themselves.
When I was growing up I couldn't wait to be big, now I'm big and I don't wish to be little again because that was hard, but I definitely would have done many things different. I know we all have those things we would change or maybe do a little smarter. Lately all these misfortunes amongst my friends and family have left me wondering why? I guess we all ask that now and then. More importantly however, I wish I knew how to fix it. The right words to say and the best advice to give.
 Maybe it will But what good is helping others if we can't help ourselves with our own advice?

Tomorrow is a new day.