I sit here tonight, a little heavy hearted. Sadness seems to flood in when I least expect or need it to. After being busy and not having a minute alone, I finally get a chance to take a hot bath, relax and just let everything settle out. That's when it hits me. The sad stuff. Listening to sad music seems to actually soothe me rather than make it worse. Not a tear has been shed but I'm not ruling that out, I am writing after all and that usually does the trick.
I have been back at work quite steadily and it's been going alright, just really tired and irritable still. I've decreased from 60mg of prednisone (the hell drug!) to 15mg and although it's quite a considerable difference, my mood has yet to realize that we're getting off this crapola. My skin has slowly started to adjust although the steroid induced acne is a mother....
Speaking of mother, I really missed mine this weekend. My son was sick, he cried and cried for hours straight (seriously where do they get the energy) until I finally took him to the hospital where they told me he had an ear infection.....at one point when he was crying I was holding him and rocking with him in my arms while he and I both cried and all I wanted was my mom to be sitting at the kitchen table drinking a Pepsi (her fave, she always had one with her) in her always matching pajamas and housecoat telling me that it's going to be okay. But instead the fact that wasn't the case just made me more sad.
It's really hard for me to vent about missing my mom because if I talked about it as much as I feel the pain from her being gone, I would probably drive everyone away. Most people look at me and they see someone who is "strong for going through what I went through" but it's an act. A facade if you will. I am not strong. I cry everytime I am alone. Everytime. In the car, the shower, when no one is home. When I am not home. All the time. This hasn't always been the case though. For awhile I had no tears left, I just had anger. Red. Hot. Anger. Now it's a pretty good mixture of both.
I don't say that I cry all the time for pity, I find after years of holding it in, it's quite freeing. I usually feel much better after. I'm not a robot! Yay! Lately I should be smiling ear to ear, my kidneys are functioning quite well and consitently. It's been 4 months without a hospital stay!!!!! But I am not smiling as much as I should. There's troubles with loved ones, not between us but in their lives that I ache for but can do nothing about. It is so hard to watch people you care about struggle and not be able to help them. Whether it's because there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them, or because they won't take it, and lastly and the worst one, you can't help them because they won't help themselves.
When I was growing up I couldn't wait to be big, now I'm big and I don't wish to be little again because that was hard, but I definitely would have done many things different. I know we all have those things we would change or maybe do a little smarter. Lately all these misfortunes amongst my friends and family have left me wondering why? I guess we all ask that now and then. More importantly however, I wish I knew how to fix it. The right words to say and the best advice to give.
Maybe it will But what good is helping others if we can't help ourselves with our own advice?
Tomorrow is a new day.
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