Well it happened, I passed another
milestone in life. One that last year I wasn't sure I would make. I
turned another year older. And I turned 30. To some people it's not a
big deal, or other than it being a big year, doesn't hold much value.
For me it's something I wasn't even sure I would have a chance to
experience.
Last year, on two separate occasions my
life was on the line so to speak. To everyone on the outside my
Facebook updates from the hospital, and my physical appearance gave
many people an understanding that it wasn't a big deal and I was just
fine. The real reason behind the updates were to try and pretend I
was. I didn't want people worrying, and especially not feeling sorry
for me. It worked a little too well.
The last year has been a huge struggle
for me; at home, at work and just in every day life. The trauma those
experiences caused resulted in even more illness from stress and
anxiety. Suddenly the simple and every day tasks like getting out of
bed, leaving the house for work, or to run errands or just get out
were near impossible. Facing death twice in one summer did not
enlighten me to live each day to the fullest, instead the opposite,
it created such worry and anxiety about the reality that death is
everywhere I couldn't leave the house.
So I was staying home a lot. Losing
touch with friends and family and trying to stay calm. I believed and
still do to some extent that at any second I will just drop dead.
When you fear absolutely every possibility in the world, the world
becomes really really small. I have always suffered with sleep
problems since I was 17, but this kicked it up by 100. I can't fall
asleep, stay asleep and when I am asleep my dreams are so realistic I
feel tired from them when I wake up EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
Recently I found out I am celiac, which
essentially I just have a really healthy eating lifestyle now and
it's been great! Hard now and then but for the most part I have
worked out the cravings. Since it finally started helping clear up
issues I'd had for years I decided to go see someone for my insides.
Not my actual insides, but rather my mind. My thoughts and fears that
were controlling me.
I shared my entire life story with a
woman and a clipboard for 3 hours. And afterwards I have never felt
more tired, and the nightmares came flooding in like I had never
experienced before. Old memories I had pushed away were brand new
again. I thought I had made a mistake, but as a few days passed I
realized it was time to start letting my pain out. Stop pretending
it's all okay. Because it's not.
I go and talk to someone every few weeks right now and have finally been able to see the world as less of a miserable place. Every week is better but every day is different. It's a very hard thing to admit that you are not okay all the time, but it takes a tremendous amount of stress off saying it because then people hopefully see that everyone is fighting some sort of battle and their expectations of you finally change. When people do not have physical characteristics of illness, or they “seem fine”, don't assume they are. And if they have a bad day, don't make it about you for f*&^ sakes! Chances are their battle is stemming from something much more problematic than what is visible.
Turning 30 is just another birthday.
But it's a year I am thankful to be here for, and happy to go outside
for. It's a reminder that when things seem really hard, embrace them,
and don't be ashamed of your problems, because they are yours to feel
and handle. They will make you better someday and somehow. Those who
are meant to stay will. Trust your struggle.
