A New Year approaches

“Hope Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'...” ― Alfred Tennyson

To start off, I realize I hadn't updated on my appointment, turns out there were many lumps but none that were to be of any concern *HAPPY DANCE*. It was a huge relief to say the least.

My kidney function has started decreasing again and my anemia is at an all time low, so another appointment with another specialist is set for the New Year. Hopefully this time we'll get a solution instead of just treating the symptoms. A day when I wake up feeling rested and well is all I want for 2015. The problem with being sick all the time like this is that it's not visible to everyone else, they can't see exhaustion and fatigue that comes even after a full nights rest, or nausea all day because my body is so low in iron and blood. The aches and pains from the vasculitis that flares up. All anyone can see or hear is me complaining that I'm tired or sore, so instead I say nothing to ensure I'm not sounding like a broken record and I suffer in silence. I cry at night to relieve myself of the pain that builds up all day pretending I am okay. Pretending that I couldn't lay down on my desk and sleep, or anywhere for that matter at any time in the day.

I'm not trying to complain here, just letting it out, like I always have on here. This is my place to go and say that sometimes I am not alright, and I'm tired. My point is that I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I am hoping that the new specialist will help me so I can have energy again to keep up with life.

The last year has been the hardest yet most rewarding year to date. I have struggled with the change in finances from my move, but now I have landed in a great position and I know things will start to look up in the New Year, at least I am working hard that they do, they have to right?

I've been blessed with the greatest loves I could ever have hoped for; my son and my boyfriend. They've kept me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide away. Even without realizing it, they've been my saving grace more than once this year. This year I have learned how to accept help, and even harder I have learned to ask for it. That's been the biggest lesson of all. And I still don't like that I had to go that route, I was and am thankful that those I leaned on had no problem helping me back up. I am so grateful.

I've slowly began to write again. I feel as though I have found inspiration again, or maybe it's the fact I have become less afraid to put my feelings on paper. Either way, I have a story to tell, maybe just to myself, but nonetheless it must come out so that I can move on.

I don't have any "resolutions" for the New Year, but I definitely plan to keep working hard to make my life in NS work for my son and I. I will continue to love unconditionally and without fear. Whatever I need to do to feel better physically with my health, I will work at it. And most importantly I will keep remembering what is important and what I have had to let go of will stay in 2014.

I have hope, hope that every day will get better than it has been. Hope that after 31 years I finally have an understanding on where I am and where I want to be. It's not about having a better year, it's about living better each and every day. And that's what I am going to keep doing. One day at a time.

Lump-date...see what I did there

Well for those of you following, or just me alone to vent, my appointment was set for August 13th. 29 more days. I've told a few people about it because I needed to get it off my chest (no pun intended). Of course they all tell me not to worry until I actually know, and I get that, if I worry this whole time for 29 days and it's nothing, then I wasted all that time and energy negatively. If I don't worry however, and it is something serious then I feel like I won't feel prepared. It's messy, the thoughts that run through my head. It's all hard to make sense of.

Part of me says "just don't think about it until you go for your appointment", the other part says "start writing letters and keeping lots of notes and pictures for your son". It's terrible I know to think that, and the extremes in my mind are unbearable at times. At times I think I've made myself sick worrying and other times I am so happy to just be in the moment in case it all changes soon that I look like I'm going crazy.

How do I not worry and yet prepare myself just in case? I know I'm probably making this so much bigger than it needs to be, but how can I not? I went in on a whim because something just seemed weird, and sure enough it was actually something. Let's hope it's just a fatty lump of nothing.

In the meantime I have been driving myself crazy, and it affects everything and everyone around me. I don't even want to be around me right now! My poor son and boyfriend I wish I could just let them in my head for a few moments to understand what I am feeling and so they know it won't last. And that I love them. Oh how I love them.

Once upon a time, not that long ago I had all the confidence in the world. The last few months between some unfortunate circumstances and deaths in the family I feel like I've lost ability to find any worth in myself. And it doesn't just hurt me, it hurts the ones I love because they feel like something is always wrong. I know it's temporary and all of this is just a test, but I hope I can get through it before I start pushing people away.

One day at a time. And then 29 more. I hope it goes by fast.

What the lump?!

It's been awhile since I have posted. My Wegener's and Kidneys have been in remission for almost a year now! Joy. Though here I am, so there must be something. There is. Or at least there might be. When I blogged during my last bout of health troubles I found it extremely healing so here I am. And maybe it will be for nothing. I hope so.


Lately I have been getting headaches, a lot of them. I never used to get any so it's been a little unbearable at times. While laying in bed the other night, out of the blue I looked at my boyfriend and said "I think I feel a lump". I poked around my chest and armpit a bit on both sides but couldn't really tell what I was feeling (which reminds me, get to know your body), but I just couldn't shake it. For the past 6 months of so I have been really tired, getting a lot of headaches and had this weird feeling on the right side of my chest. It wasn't pain or anything, just a weird feeling. I chalked it up to playing softball or lifting my almost 4 year old etc. etc. The same thing I did when I had kidney pain and kept blaming it on other things.


My wonderful boyfriend said "will you go to the doctor"? And I said yes. Then he said (he knows me so well) "When? Tomorrow?" In order to avoid a lecture I would surely deserve if I said maybe, I said yes. He then made me promise, and I won't break a promise.


The next day, Tuesday (3 days ago) I went to the walk in by my house. I don't have a family doctor yet so it was the best I could do. I went in and explained that I just felt weird and I thought something was wrong, he looked a little annoyed as I'm sure many people think the worst in these cases, but he told me to take off my top and he would do an exam. He and the nurse came back in and away he went poking around. As I mentioned it doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable on the right side. I could almost tell right away he found something when he did the left side in two seconds and kept going back to the right.


"You have a lump in your right breast". Heart stops. Not that I should have been surprised, I mean that's why I went in, but I guess I thought I was being a worrier and he would just say I'm fine. We talked about family history, and where it feels sore etc. So now there's a lump there and one in my armpit. The referral to go for the dreaded mammogram has been sent and a possible biopsy as well. I called yesterday and they said it could take a week or so to find out when my appointment will be, a week feels like an eternity.


Stupidly I did the one thing you should never do when you don't have answers, you're saying it in your head as you read this. I Google'd breast cancer, my symptoms, the testing they do etc. Needless to say I spent two hours last night texting my boyfriend because my head was overflowing with worry. He said it, and I agreed, there's no reason to worry until we know, because if it is nothing (which I am sure it's just a cyst or something easily handled) then I've wasted hours or days worrying for nothing. It's easier said then done but I am trying to stay positive.


The week before my mom passed away we had a visit, she told me the doctor found lumps in her breast and that she was worried and didn't feel like she had much time left. Unfortunately for her she was right, and never made it in for those tests so I am really curious what it was and if it's what I have to. Of course my mind is working in overdrive so I have thought about everything.


It's Friday, so I don't suspect I will hear about my appointment until mid next week. In the meantime I am going to try and keep busy and just spend time with those I love. Trying not to worry that soon everything could be changed. What a tricky situation. There's never a good way to handle "you might have cancer", so instead, I will keep going forward as I have with everything else I have faced thus far and be confident that no matter what it is, I will handle it and have people who will help me through it.


I will be in touch as things move forward. Wish me luck!