Well for those of you following, or just me alone to vent, my appointment was set for August 13th. 29 more days. I've told a few people about it because I needed to get it off my chest (no pun intended). Of course they all tell me not to worry until I actually know, and I get that, if I worry this whole time for 29 days and it's nothing, then I wasted all that time and energy negatively. If I don't worry however, and it is something serious then I feel like I won't feel prepared. It's messy, the thoughts that run through my head. It's all hard to make sense of.
Part of me says "just don't think about it until you go for your appointment", the other part says "start writing letters and keeping lots of notes and pictures for your son". It's terrible I know to think that, and the extremes in my mind are unbearable at times. At times I think I've made myself sick worrying and other times I am so happy to just be in the moment in case it all changes soon that I look like I'm going crazy.
How do I not worry and yet prepare myself just in case? I know I'm probably making this so much bigger than it needs to be, but how can I not? I went in on a whim because something just seemed weird, and sure enough it was actually something. Let's hope it's just a fatty lump of nothing.
In the meantime I have been driving myself crazy, and it affects everything and everyone around me. I don't even want to be around me right now! My poor son and boyfriend I wish I could just let them in my head for a few moments to understand what I am feeling and so they know it won't last. And that I love them. Oh how I love them.
Once upon a time, not that long ago I had all the confidence in the world. The last few months between some unfortunate circumstances and deaths in the family I feel like I've lost ability to find any worth in myself. And it doesn't just hurt me, it hurts the ones I love because they feel like something is always wrong. I know it's temporary and all of this is just a test, but I hope I can get through it before I start pushing people away.
One day at a time. And then 29 more. I hope it goes by fast.
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