A New Year approaches

“Hope Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'...” ― Alfred Tennyson

To start off, I realize I hadn't updated on my appointment, turns out there were many lumps but none that were to be of any concern *HAPPY DANCE*. It was a huge relief to say the least.

My kidney function has started decreasing again and my anemia is at an all time low, so another appointment with another specialist is set for the New Year. Hopefully this time we'll get a solution instead of just treating the symptoms. A day when I wake up feeling rested and well is all I want for 2015. The problem with being sick all the time like this is that it's not visible to everyone else, they can't see exhaustion and fatigue that comes even after a full nights rest, or nausea all day because my body is so low in iron and blood. The aches and pains from the vasculitis that flares up. All anyone can see or hear is me complaining that I'm tired or sore, so instead I say nothing to ensure I'm not sounding like a broken record and I suffer in silence. I cry at night to relieve myself of the pain that builds up all day pretending I am okay. Pretending that I couldn't lay down on my desk and sleep, or anywhere for that matter at any time in the day.

I'm not trying to complain here, just letting it out, like I always have on here. This is my place to go and say that sometimes I am not alright, and I'm tired. My point is that I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I am hoping that the new specialist will help me so I can have energy again to keep up with life.

The last year has been the hardest yet most rewarding year to date. I have struggled with the change in finances from my move, but now I have landed in a great position and I know things will start to look up in the New Year, at least I am working hard that they do, they have to right?

I've been blessed with the greatest loves I could ever have hoped for; my son and my boyfriend. They've kept me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide away. Even without realizing it, they've been my saving grace more than once this year. This year I have learned how to accept help, and even harder I have learned to ask for it. That's been the biggest lesson of all. And I still don't like that I had to go that route, I was and am thankful that those I leaned on had no problem helping me back up. I am so grateful.

I've slowly began to write again. I feel as though I have found inspiration again, or maybe it's the fact I have become less afraid to put my feelings on paper. Either way, I have a story to tell, maybe just to myself, but nonetheless it must come out so that I can move on.

I don't have any "resolutions" for the New Year, but I definitely plan to keep working hard to make my life in NS work for my son and I. I will continue to love unconditionally and without fear. Whatever I need to do to feel better physically with my health, I will work at it. And most importantly I will keep remembering what is important and what I have had to let go of will stay in 2014.

I have hope, hope that every day will get better than it has been. Hope that after 31 years I finally have an understanding on where I am and where I want to be. It's not about having a better year, it's about living better each and every day. And that's what I am going to keep doing. One day at a time.